Hockey Players - A User's Guide

Hockey players come in four types. Here's an honest look at them:

1. GOALKEEPERS

1.1 the antisocial misfit who never wanted to play team sports anyway. Tends to have a low opinion of defenders and, rather than issuing helpful commands from his 'D', moans loudly every time the defence even looks like letting one through. He only plays in goal because of the pleasure he takes from preventing others from scoring and thereby enjoying themselves.

Objects to the new no-offside rule because he doesn't want company in the 'D'.

Telltale sign: Wears his mask during half-time.

1.2 the extrovert showoff. Spends a lot of time diving and sliding about. Has a tendency to play near the top of the circle because he wants to feel part of things. Is as likely to tackle his own defender in the 'D' on any spurious pretext as he is to mow down an attacker. Shouts a lot and gesticulates wildly, often at people at the other end of the pitch. Becomes moody and irritable when his defenders are on top and he has nothing to do. Welcomes the new no-offside rule because of the increased scope for shouting.

Telltale sign: Spends more time on the ground than standing up - even during the warm-up.

All goalies, of whatever type, are inherently incapable of being at fault when a goal is scored, the mere fact of a goal-scoring opportunity being proof positive that the defence is solely to blame.

2. DEFENDERS

Characterized by a strong hit, every defender's secret desire is to maim an onrushing forward with a pressure-relieving bullet that comes off the ground at about ankle height. The actual destination of the ball, if it misses ankle or shin, is secondary. Defenders regard their point made when attackers back off nervously upon their getting the ball. When things go wrong defenders blame the midfield, either for not coming back to help, or for coming back to help and thereby pushing others out of position (details of this position argument are usually hazy).

Defenders like to be seen as players who can keep their heads and calm things down when all around them are panicking. It is estimated that 60% of goals scored are as a direct result of defenders trying to look calmly in control instead of just getting rid of the ball. Defenders hate the no-offside rule because they can't stand imperiously on the 25 any more.

Telltale sign: Secretly admires authority figures.

3. MIDFIELDERS

Midfielders have to carry a heavy burden: they have to be able to play hockey, which, involving the close and skilful control of a small ball with a ludicrously shaped stick, at speed on a fast surface, is understandably difficult.
Their mastery of these arts gives them an air of superiority and they have a tendency to become insufferable. They are obsessed by pushing, stroking and passing the ball instead of just hitting it like everyone else. They drone on endlessly about concepts like "width" (they don't apparently realise that hockey pitches come in a standard size), "shape" and "pattern" and other hopelessly cerebral drivel.

Defenders merely put up with midfielders and regard them at best as in the way, preferring to try and hit the forwards directly rather than route it through these dubious types in the middle of the pitch. Midfielders are socially awkward, much to the relief of everyone else. Midfielders don't yet know about the no-offside rule, but they had never heard of the offside rule anyway.

Telltale sign: When suggesting what's wrong at half time they seem to be talking about an entirely different sport.

4. FORWARDS

There are two types to watch for, wingers and real forwards:

4.1 Wingers are a sub-breed who are surprised to learn that the white
spherical object is not just something to be chased out of play but should ideally be stopped and given to someone else wearing the same colour shirt. Wingers treat the game as an excuse to run up and down the touchline with a stick in their hands, chasing things and wagging their tails, interrupted occasionally by the whistle. With the advent of the no-offside rule they are expected to become no more than an amusing but functionally irrelevant addition to the game.

Telltale sign: Loyal, enthusiastic, requires plenty of exercise and fresh water.

4.2 Real Forwards are egotistical mercenaries who will do anything
(yes,anything) for the glory. Moody and unpredictable, they spend most of the time striking heroic poses or standing, hands on hips, staring back disbelievingly at the utter shambles behind them. Rarely very fit compared with the midfield, they hate running and only do it in short bursts as a last resort, far preferring to see someone take it to the goal-line and cut it back to the top of the 'D' where they will arrive belatedly to smash it in and acknowledge the acclaim of the multitude.
Forwards spend a lot of time optimistically attempting and failing to effect a minute deflection to a hit towards them, onto which they can latch. Success or failure is of course entirely random, but the head-clutching when it goes wrong and the smug pride when it just happens to fall right gives us a clear insight into the deep personal inadequacies of forwards. Forwards rarely try to score with anything other than a full-blooded hit, so that the speed and venom of the ball will distract everyone from their essential lack of directional control, or at the very least hurt someone.
Forwards claim to welcome the new no-offside rule but are actually dismayed at all the extra running they might have to do and are secretly planning to ignore it.

Telltale sign: Has a deep need to be admired combined with very little
reason to be.